Jessi Buchanan

M is for Mullet!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 18:05:00 +0000

I have to tell you that I have struggled to find just the right concept for a few of these pieces. Not this time! I have known that M was for mullet for weeks. I mean, it's the mullet, for crying out loud! The hair style to end all hair styles! I did extensive internet research to find just the right mullet for this painting. The mullet, also known as "hockey hair" and "professional wrestler hair," comes in many varieties. There are rat tail mullets, shaved top mullets, mohawk mullets and many, many other variations. But they all have one thing in common: they are short on top and long in the back. What is it about this amazing hairstyle that makes people in certain segments of our society continue to keep it alive? God only knows. I just know I had to commemorate it with this painting.

If you are sporting a mullet of your own, and you get the impression that I am ridiculing you and those of your ilk for your hair style, let me just say...what were you thinking? Get a haircut!

L is for Lawn Ornament!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Fri, 01 Dec 2006 16:11:00 +0000

Bert started collecting lawn ornaments a few years ago. He didn't really mean too - it just kind of worked out that way. He happened to pick up a plastic pink flamingo when visiting some relatives in Florida. Somehow folks got the notion that bert was starting a collection. Heck, all he wanted was a little splash of color next to the mailbox. But before he knew it, people started bringing him lawn ornaments every time they dropped by to see him. Bert isn't a particularly friendly guy, but he's not the kind of guy who is going to be rude to someone who goes to the trouble of giving him a gift, either. So he puts them up. He tries to find an appropriate spot for each new addition, someplace where the giver of the gift is sure to see it when they come around again. This of course compounds the problem. Once they see how much he liked the last lawn ornament, they feel downright obligated to bring Bert another one next time. The truth is that some of Bert's friends think he has become a little obsessive about the whole lawn ornament thing. Bert is kind of half hoping for a tornado or flood or something so he can have an excuse to clean up the yard.

K is for Koala!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:06:00 +0000

For "K" I have chosen "K is for Koala." An evil, bloodthirsty, mutant, giant koala with laser beam eyes.

J is for Jubilation!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 19:04:00 +0000

You know those annoying sweepstakes things you get in the mail - the ones that are designed to make you think you have won something? You ever wonder what kind of idiot would actually fall for such a pathetic ruse? This is her! Carol has received just such a notice, and she is beside herself with joy. She lifts her eyes and right hand to heaven in praise and thanks, while her left hand clutches the precious document of her salvation to her bosom. She's already making plans for the money she thinks she has won. Let's just hope she doesn't sign any contracts before her husband comes home and points out the fine print. Then again, he's pretty dumb too! They might be buying a houseboat this weekend.

I is for Ink!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 19:02:00 +0000

In case you aren't a cool, with-it, young type person, ink is what the cool, with-it, young type people call tattoos these days. (Or at least, that's what they tell me.) I don't have any tattoos, personally. It's not that I'm afraid of the needle, it's just that I'm part of that generation that always associated tattoos with sailors, bikers, and circus freaks. Oh no! Jessi Buchanan shows his age! I have thought about getting a little tatt from time to time (maybe a little corndog in a heart right on my bicep?) But let's face it, I'm just not cool enough to pull it off. I'll just continue admiring the cool, young, tan, smooth-skinned peoople (of whom I am not one) and their righteous ink.

Dave here doesn't feel the same way as me about tattoos. He thinks he's plenty cool enough to pull it off. In fact, he's come up with what he is sure is a fantastic way to make a quick fortune. Dave sees those young people with their cool tattoos all over the place, and he's sure that advertisers are soon going to start using people as walking billboards. Dave is determined to ride the crest of that mighty wave, and he has taken the initiative by having a variety of corporate logos applied to his flesh. None of these companies have paid Dave - yet. He's sure that they will come around, though. And if they don't, maybe the big names he has proudly displayed on his ample physique will entice other companies to follow suit.

H is for Hallucination!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Sun, 19 Nov 2006 00:36:00 +0000

What's this? Is Jessi Buchanan promote DRUG USE?!?!? No! There are plenty of ways to reached altered states of consciousness without resorting to illegal drugs. Take Phil here, for instance. His hallucinatory state was induced by a complex series of actions completely devoid of drugs. Well, except for caffeine. Here's how it happened: Phil had a big college chemistry exam that he was supposed to be studying for last night. But there was a "Star Trek the Next Generation" marathon on cable, and he just kind of got sucked in. This was irritating for Phil because he doesn't really even like that show. He finds all of the science to be completely implausible, and it really bugs him that everywhere they go, all the aliens speak English. But somehow he found himself sitting in front of the television at three in the morning, when he realized he had better hit the books. So he pulled an all-nighter, ingesting large quantities of coffee and Mountain Dew. He struggled through the test the next day, and stumbled home to find a notice in his mailbox from the phone company. It seems that Phil forgot to pay his bill last month, and today's the day they're cutting off his phone. So Phil calls the phone company and gets put on hold. Between short, smarmy phrases like "Your call is important to us," and "Your call may be monitored to insure customer satisfaction," Phil is forced to listen to a Muzak version of Barry Manilow's "Copa Cabana." That's when the hallucination hits him! He didn't ask for it, and he's not exactly happy about it, but there it is.

G is for Genetic Engineering!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 18:53:00 +0000

Jim and Lisa are just so proud of their new child, Josh. Through the modern miracle of genetic engineering, they were able to get just the boy they wanted. At first they thought they would go with something ordinary: just your run-of-the-mill, genetically altered super baby. But Mitch, the salesman at Designer Babies Inc, was just so convincing! He showed Jim and Lisa how really affordable it would be to add a few extra features here and there, and end up with something truly unique: a baby that says "we know what we want, and we have the money and lack of moral judgment to get it!" As you can see, little Josh has a wrench hand for helping Dad with the car, and a spatula hand for helping Mom in the kitchen. The Octograb(TM) tentacles on the top of Josh's head are really helpful for holding flashlights and TV remotes. And they ordered Josh in "Periwinkle Mist," to match the drapes!

F is for Faux Pas!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 18:50:00 +0000

This piece could just as easily been titled "F is for Fish Hat," but you have to admit, the fish hat is definitely a faux pas - especially when worn to some gala event, as pictured here. Marlene has chosen to wear hers to the opera this evening, and it's causing quite a stir. Those little black dots swarming around her are flies, which indicates that this is no faux fish. It's a genuine dead thing, gutted and placed fashionably atop Marlene's lovely head. Marlene knows she's hot, and she thinks she can get away with fashion statements that lesser women couldn't even attempt. She thinks the looks of horror and disgust being shot her way are just jealousy. She's wrong! That is one nasty hat.

E is for Evolution!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:47:00 +0000

It's a simple concept, evolution. In order for an organism to pass its genes to the next generation, it has to survive long enough to procreate. If a random mutation makes the organism slightly more suited to the environment it finds itself in, it has a better chance of passing on those genes. But it's a double edged sword! If there's something in the organism's genetic makeup that makes it slightly less suited to survive (say, the stick-your-tongue-in-a-lamp-socket gene, for instance) that organism has less chance of passing on its genes. Now, I'm not saying the scene depicted here necessarily ends with the demise of this guy. I mean, people do some pretty dumb stuff and live to tell about it. The point is that whatever it is in this guy's makeup that enables him to try this little experiment has GOT to be a serious evolutionary disadvantage. If this particular activity doesn't remove him from the gene pool, something similar probably will. If, on the other hand, you are a Creationist, and don't believe in evolution, you have to figure that God wouldn't let this sort of shenanigans go unpunished. See, it works either way!

D is for Dude!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 18:45:00 +0000

For the letter D I have chosen "Dude." Not a whole lot to say about this guy. Just "Duuuuude."

C is for Cult!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 18:43:00 +0000

These folks belong to an organization called "Corndogs United for Liberty and Truth." It's just an unfortunate coincidence that the initials happen to spell the word "CULT." Sure, they do seem to have that vapid, dazed expression you seem to find in people who have been manipulated with sleep deprivation and high pressure initiation methods. But they just want to share with you the joy they have found in that venerable carnival mainstay, the corndog. Don't let there androgynous uniforms and shaved heads give you the impression that they are anything but normal, wholesome people - who just happen to worship corndogs.

B is for Benign!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 18:41:00 +0000

As you can see, Rachel is quite relieved to have learned that the thing on her head is not going to kill her. She probably let it go a little longer than she should have, but that's all water under the bridge now. So now that she has a clean bill of health, she's actually thinking of keeping it! She spent so much time worrying about it that it's almost become like a friend to her. Besides, it provides shade and is always a snappy conversation starter!

A is for Apparatus!

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 18:36:00 +0000

It's the Jessi Buchanan Alphabet! Why? Heck, why not? Every once in a while it's nice for an artist to have some theme or direction for a series of paintings. And what could be more natural than the alphabet?

For the letter A I have decided to go with "Apparatus." What is the purpose of the apparatus being demonstrated by its inventor, Lloyd? You'll have to ask him. Lloyd seems pretty confident that it will function in accordance with its design, whatever it is.

Looking At The Sun

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:21:00 +0000

So I'm looking at some news stories when I come across the thing about Mercury being visible in front of the sun. Here's what it said on Earthtimes.org about the best time to view this event:

People living in other parts of the world will be able to see it from November 13 through December 17, but only before sunrise.

As you can see in the illustration of me, I am confused. Could they be joking? Is there anyone in the world with a wit that dry?

Link to the story on Earthtimes.org

Pastor Ted: Patron Saint of Delicious Irony

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 03:02:00 +0000

He may be a deceiver and a liar, but I think he would make a great saint! Of course, protestants don't have saints, but since he would be the Patron Saint of Delicious Irony, why the heck not! How ironic! And not like that Alanis Morisette "rain on your wedding day" irony, which is like, not irony. I'm talking like real irony! And don't forget, he's a deceiver and a liar!

Click here to bid on this inspirational masterpiece

Fear of Forks

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 23:29:00 +0000

This has proven to be one of my more popular paintings. Apparently, I tapped into a widely held mistrust for the pointy utensils that have plagued humanity for generations.

Forks are dangerous! Use a spoon!

EXTREME Stray Thoughts #7 - Flapjacks

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 13:17:00 +0000

To let you really experience this art, I added some zooming and sound effects and ominous music.

Stray Thoughts #7 - Flapjacks

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:25:00 +0000

Here's what Larry's thinking: 'When I say "flapjacks," I mean flapjacks! Not pancakes or griddle cakes or johnny cakes or whatever the hell else they got back there! And I want a plastic spoon! And a jar of petroleum jelly!' I have no idea what he's talking about. As far as I know, flapjacks and pancakes are the same thing. Go figure.

Click here to bid on this masterpiece

Brainwash

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 20:53:00 +0000

I like making ads for weird stuff. Here's one for Brainwash!

Mermaids And Angels Hate Each Other

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 20:44:00 +0000

This is a painting I did a few years ago. I was looking at paintings on eBay, and I found myself trying to figure out what subject matter seemed to be attracting the most bids. I noticed that really banal angel art was a hot topic, and when I saw that sexy, topless mermaids were also in demand, I knew what I had to do. And boy, was it ever successful! I think this baby brought in around $50. But it was a statement!

Celebrate American Youth

noreply@blogger.com (Jessi Buchanan) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 16:15:00 +0000

Since I haven't updated my web site in a ridiculously long time, or even painted anything in almost as long, I figured now would be a great time to start another project that I will inevitably neglect. A blog! I'm going to start things off with a few of my earlier works. If anyone gives a damn, I might just be persuaded to come out of hiding and make something new! I know that puts a lot of pressure on you, the reader- but what can I say.